Just for a little light relief, we thought we'd attempt
a funny one. But please bear in mind - it is British humour (warped), so do bear with me!
‘You have no idea what it was like’ Hutch whined
as he sat next to his girlfriend in the police café on the ground floor of the Metro. ‘It was like Joseph walking into
the lions den, they just stared at me.’
‘Um….wouldn’t that be Daniel?’ Starsky
peered at his partner over the top of his BLT and mopped at a gob of mayo that was in danger of falling onto the table.
‘Jeez! And that from a good little Jewish boy! You should’ve
been there last night to answer the questions. My mouth was dry, I could barely form the words, it was…..embarrassing!’
‘You were such a brave little soldier’ Abby told
her man, putting a protective arm around his shoulder.
‘Hutch it was a classroom full of first graders. It was
hardly the senate select committee.’
‘It was purgatory, that’s what it was. Why didn’t
you draw the short straw?’
‘Um….because we didn’t use straws, we flipped
a coin, and as I recall, you lost fair and square’ the brunet muttered, reaching into his impossibly tight jeans for
the rogue coin. He held it up to the light and kissed the small round disc lovingly. ‘You know there’s nuthin
I wouldn’t do for ya Blintz, but when the coin flips….ya gotta go with the flow.’
Hutch studied the coin for a moment and then a look of anger
flashed across his face. ‘Let me see that’ he snapped, trying to snatch the disc from Starsky’s grasp. The
curly haired cop held it up out of his partner’s reach and then tried to get it back into his pocket as the blond man
wrestled with him across the table. ‘C’mon Starsk, hand it over. Seems a bit too convenient that you won the flip
with your coin from your pocket and….’
‘Hey!’ Starsky yelped as Hutch leaned over the
table, grabbed the brunet’s wrist and forced his hand down onto the Formica top. He forced Starsky’s fingers open
and took the coin, holding it up to the light. Roosevelt’s face showed on the heads side of the dime, but as he turned
it over in his fingers, Hutch also saw it on the flip side too. He glared at Starsky.
‘This is your double headed dime! You used your “lucky”
dime to sucker me! You know how much I hate doin’ the classroom rounds and you… Starsk, so help me….’
‘It’s good for ya’ the brunet said, backing
up on his chair. ‘Think of it as aversion therapy. The more ya do, the less you’ll hate ‘em.’
‘The more I do, the less Abby sees of me, and Abby in
a bad mood is not good for anyone’ Hutch ground out, putting the offending coin in his own pocket as his girlfriend
nodded her agreement.
‘Well now that’s the other reason I did it. It’s
good for your relationship not to see too much of each other. Absence makes the heart grown fonder ya know.’
‘Yeah, an’ a rollin’ brunet cop gathers no
moss’ Hutch countered. ‘You knew I hated public speakin’ and yet ya cheated. That kinda treatment will not
get you invited to Thanksgiving Dinner.’
‘It aint exactly public speakin’ is it? It’s
‘It was bad enough. Now for Gods sake finish that mouthful
of trash and lets get back out there.’
Starsky took his last mouthful of sandwich and licked the mayo
from his thumb. ‘This is not trash. This is the finest cuisine in the world. Crispy bacon, fresh picked lettuce an’
juicy tomatoes. Not a spoonful of lecithin in sight.’
‘No, just a trip to heartburn central. I’m amazed
your guts don’t just shrivel up and die buddy. C’mon, the lady in pink awaits.’ Hutch stood and gathered
Abby up into his arms as he kissed her tenderly on the lips. ‘Its gonna be another late one honey, so don’t wait
up’ he warned her.
She grinned. ‘That’s what you get for mixing with
LA’s A list. Don’t let her eat you up.’
Hutch smiled at her and buried his face in her long blond hair.
‘I won’t. That job's all yours.’ Abby giggled sexily and relinquished her hold on Hutch’s shoulders
as Starsky looked on.
‘C’mon Romeo, it’s gonna be a long shift.’
Hutch snickered softly. ‘Just because your trouser snake
aint seen the light of day for over two weeks doesn’t mean that you have to get grouchy when me an’ my girl show
each other how much we love each other.’
The two men walked out of the café and down to the parking
lot like condemned prisoners. It was two days since they’d had the call from Dobey to say that he had an unusual and
dangerous operation for them and they’d gone into his office like lambs to the slaughter. They’d been met there
by a large black man who made Dobey look positively petite. He sat wedged into the chair in the Captain’s office and
smiled at the two detectives as they stood by the desk.
‘Starsky, Hutchinson. This is Guy Miles.’ All three
men shook hands and as Hutch hooked up another chair and sat down, Starsky perched on the arm and waited expectantly.
‘Mr. Miles, why don’t you explain why you’re
here?’ Dobey said, and sat back. He watched his men as they turned their attention to the huge black man opposite. Miles
smiled encouragingly. ‘I represent the interests of Davina Darling. You might have heard of her’ he began.
‘THE Davina Darling? Movie star?’ Starsky asked,
sitting up a little straighter.
‘Uh huh. The same. Miss Darling is in LA for the Oscars
ceremony but doesn’t want to stay in Los Angeles itself. She doesn’t like the media circus. She’s opted
to stay at the Bay City Hilton – she’s reserved the top two floors.’
‘Of the whole hotel? Wow’ the brunet gave a low
whistle which Miles ignored and continued.
‘She usually has her own security team with her but there’s
been one or two um….disagreements recently and they aren’t with her at the moment. Which is where you two come
Hutch looked sharply at Dobey. ‘Us? Hey, we aint bodyguards!
Let some other poor idiots look after the prima donna. We got more’n enough to do with Sanchez and Garcia being off
sick right now.’
Starsky snickered. ‘Yeah, how is that rash Cap’n?
It looked real inconvenient to me. Bet they need slacker elastic in their….. Well they’ll be off a while anyway.’
‘Settle down Starsky. They didn’t know that the
room they were using as a stake out hadn’t been fumigated. Anyway, you don’t have a lot of options with this one.
The Chief of Police has promised she’ll have some protection whilst she’s in the city and I’ve allocated
the two of you for the next few days.’
‘Why does she need protection?’ Hutch asked angrily,
‘She’s a film star, not royalty.’
Guy Miles coughed softly. ‘She um…..she’s
having trouble with her husband….soon to be the ex Mr. Darling. He’s suing her for half her fortune and she’s
not too happy about it, so she slapped a restraining order on him. He’s um….he’s pursuing her.’
‘Oh great! Not only do we get to deal with a damned spoiled
brat, we get embroiled in domestic disputes too’ the blond snapped. ‘Why don’t ya just shoot us an’
put us out of our misery?’
‘Hey, speak for yourself. I’ve tried that an’
believe me, it’s overrated’ Starsky said. ‘Besides, I want to meet her. I’ve never been in the same
room as a real life movie star before. It’s kinda cool.’
Miles raised his eyebrows but said nothing more and Hutch made
a “humph” sound in his throat. ‘Starsk, don’t get star struck. These women are rich and spoiled and
used to being waited on hand and foot. They aren’t your usual find from the Pits.’
‘And you think she’d be too good for me?’
Starsky’s face had the look of a little boy who’d been told he couldn’t afford his Scalextric set.
The flaxen haired cop sighed deeply. The look on Dobey’s
face told him there was no way he could bargain his way out of this and by the way his partner was looking at him, he knew
Starsky was hooked by the idea of reflected stardom. He grimaced and rolled his eyes up towards the ceiling. ‘Fine.
When do we start this shit assignment? And where?’ he asked.
‘This afternoon at the Hilton hotel. You’re on
the late shift. And Hutchinson this isn’t a shit assignment.’
The two detectives headed for the door, Starsky looking like
a dog with two tails while Hutch muttered darkly under his breath.
‘Do ya think we’ll get to go to the award ceremony?
Oh my God, I don’t even have a dinner suit. Would she mind a lounge suit, d’ya think?’ the brunet asked
as he trotted down the corridor behind his partner.
‘Starsk, you’ll be lucky of she gives you a second
look. She’s used to the likes of Harrison Ford and Dustin Hoffman, not Mrs. Starsky’s little bandy legged kid
from down town Brooklyn.’
‘Hey, who are you callin’ bandy le…..they
aren’t, are they? I always thought my legs were fine. They’re ok, aren’t they? Hutch?’
The blond snickered. ‘Yeah buddy, your legs are fine.
It’s your head that needs lookin’ at.’
The meeting with Davina Darling went very much as Hutch had
thought it would, although for Starsky the whole thing proved just a little too much. When they made their way up to the top
two floors of the Bay City Hilton, they were met by two of the biggest doormen the duo had ever seen. The two guys looked
like they wouldn’t have been out of place as extras on a King Kong movie set, or maybe playing understudy to the star
of the flick. They were the types who had enormous muscles and head that seemed to perch directly on their shoulders. Necks
had disappeared into muscle bound chests and they’d lost the ability to smile. After the most thorough pat down they’d
ever endured, Starsky and Hutch walked into the living room of the honeymoon suite of the hotel, their feet sinking up to
their ankles in the pale cream deep pile carpet.
Hutch had snickered when he’s gone back to call for his
brunet partner after lunch. Although Hutch himself had showered and changed into clean cargo pants and a fresh tee shirt,
Starsky had taken the whole bodyguard thing to the limit and had dressed in smartly pressed black pants, a white button down
shirt and his black leather jacket. He had his dark Foster Grants jammed on his nose and the holster he habitually wore was
just visible inside his jacket. He had skipped down the steps from his house and got into the front seat of the car, sitting
back expansively and flinging his left arm over the back of Hutch’s seat. The blond noticed that his partner was also
‘What’s with the Mafia look buddy?’ Hutch
had asked, trying to keep the look of amusement off his face.
‘I’ll have you know this is what all the best bodyguards
are wearing this season.’
‘Uh huh. That and a nice pastel bullet proof vest. She
wants us to catch bullets buddy, not give her a fashion show.’
Starsky had cast a sidelong glance at his partner. ‘You’re
only jealous coz I make this look good.’
‘Whatever!’ Hutch had exclaimed and had driven
straight over to the hotel.
They stood in the expensive looking living room and waited
for well over five minutes before Davina finally put in an appearance. She gave the men barely a second look before sitting
down delicately on one of the sofas and arranging her feather trimmed negligee around her.
‘So, you’re the best cops Bay City has to offer’
she said lazily. Her almond shaped green eyes appraised each man as she flicked her long, shiny chestnut hair over her shoulder.
Hutch stepped forward. ‘Miss Darling. I’m Sergeant
Hutchinson and my partner here is….’
‘Starchy….Starp….Starsky. Dave Starsky ma’am.
It’s um….it’s a privilege to meet you.’ Starsky almost elbowed his partner out of the way in his eagerness
to get to their charge. Davina snickered at him.
‘My God! My life is on the line and they send an idiot
savant to look after me. My husband might as well just shoot me dead now. And you…’ she turned her attention to
Hutch. ‘Do you have a brain cell to share with your friend here, or are you equally as dim? You aren’t exactly
what I was expecting.’
Hutch’s temper flared. He hated the woman already and
couldn’t bite back the comments. ‘Well you’re exactly as I expected ma’am. In fact more so.
Now can we cut the crap and get down to business?’ the blond sat down on the chair opposite his client while Starsky
still stood dithering in the middle of the room, his eyes fixed on Davina like a rabbit’s eyes are fixed on a fox. Hutch
leaned forward and tapped his buddy’s hand.
‘Starsk? Sit down will ya. You’re makin’
the place look untidy.’
The brunet seemed to shake himself out of his reverie and sat
down mechanically on the chair next to Hutch’s, his mouth hanging open a little as he sat watching Davina. The woman
completely ignored him, her attention fully on Hutch. Her eyes sparkled and she seemed to hang on the blond’s every
Miss Darling sat back and smiled. ‘Business you say.
Ok Officer. Tell me how you’re going to keep me safe when my own bodyguards are having difficulties.’
‘Simple. You stay put, we stay with you. End of story.’
‘And if I don’t want to “stay put”?
What then? I have my appearances, my book signing, the launch of my perfume range. I’m a public figure darling. I can’t
just hide away.’
‘If you value your life, and if your husband is as dangerous
as you say he is, then you’ll have to’ Hutch argued.
‘Ex husband darling. And I’m looking for number
three.’ The starlet sat forward and touched Hutch’s knee delicately, looking up into his crystal blue eyes. Hutch
met them without flinching while next to him he heard a strangled whimper.
‘Lady, you do as we say, or you look for two more bodyguards’
the flaxen haired cop heard himself say. ‘Take it or leave it. What do you say Starsky?’
For a moment, there was silence in the room and Hutch gently
prodded his partner, who was still transfixed by Davina Darling. Starsky’s lips worked busily for a second but no sound
came out and then he squeaked. Hutch didn’t think he meant to and immediately Starsky turned the squeak into a cough
and ran his fingers through his hair self consciously. ‘Um yeah, take it or…..take it’ the brunet mumbled,
an idiotic smile on his face.
Hutch sighed. ‘What my partner means is he is agrees
with me. We do this our way or it’s the highway, ok?’
Without even looking at Starsky, Davina trained her hand languidly
down Hutch’s pant leg to his thigh and breathed ‘Yes officer’ between parted lips. Hutch smiled encouragingly
at Starsky and the brunet hiccupped.
Standing, Hutch pushed his partner towards the door. ‘We’re
gonna check out the perimeter of the building. Stay put and keep away from the windows. We’ll give three distinct knocks
when we want back in. If ya don’t hear three, don’t open the door.
Davina stood with them. ‘Yes Officer. Three knocks or
don’t open the door. Fine.’
At that moment a small pink object dashed into the room. It
looked dog shaped and it sounded like a dog, but it was tiny and its fur was died pastel pink to match its owner’s negligee.
Hutch regarded it with horror.
Davina bent down to pick up the tiny poodle and tucked it under
her arm. ‘Hello sweetie pie. Who’s Moma’s little marsh mallow then? Are you pleased to see Moma?’
Davina looked up from the little animal and smiled.
‘This is Fifi. She absolutely adores men. Here, give
her a cuddle.’ The movie star thrust the dog at Hutch who took it and held it awkwardly at arms length. The tiny animal
squirmed in the blond’s grasp, its tail wagging and its tongue lolling as it tried to lick at the blond cop. Starsky’s
face creased into a huge grin and he took a step forward, his hand outstretched. Fifi took one look at the brunet and bared
her teeth, a tiny, insubstantial growl emanating from the small body. As Starsky got nearer, the dog snapped out at him and
the brunet withdrew his hand immediately. Davina grabbed the dog back from Hutch and held it close.
‘Oh my sweetie! Did the bad man hurt my little munchkin
huh?’ the woman looked up at Starsky. ‘She obviously doesn’t like you. But you….’ Darling turned
her unwanted attention back to Hutch. ‘She loves blonds……and I have to say, the feeling is mutual.’
It was Hutch’s turn to blush and he looked away. ‘Oh…um….well
my um….my girlfriend is um……expecting me back, so maybe um…. Starsk? Why don’t we go take the
first look around huh?’
‘And then she went into the bedroom and we didn’t
see her again. The woman is nocturnal, I swear it. She wakes up about 4 in the afternoon and don’t go to bed till gone
4 in the mornin’ I though Blondie here was a night owl, but hell, she could outpace a bat!’ Starsky sat swirling
his coffee around his mug and looking fatalistically at the duty roster for the rest of the week. Turns out, they weren’t
the only suckers who’d landed baby-sitting duty with Ms Darling. Colston and Spence were the other members of their
bodyguard tag team and were there at the moment, no doubt sitting in silence in the air conditioned luxury of the hotel while
Davina dreamed the day away.
Hutch snickered. ‘She’s different, I’ll give
ya that. But we still have an hour and a half before we have to be back there. Cheer up, it’s not gonna last forever.
Me an’ Abby have been talkin’ about it, and so far as the magazines are concerned, Davina’s one of the saner
stars. Ya should see what some of ‘em do. They sleep in oxygen chambers; they have chimpanzees for pets. Shit some of
‘em even have whole theme parks to live in.’
‘Well that’d be cool. All we have is a broad with
a liking for pink and a mutant dog. It hates me ya know, an’ I gotta say the feelin’ is mutual.’
‘It doesn’t hate ya, you just have to give it time.
And speaking of time, you need more time in bed – on your own. Or at least you need some sort of tonic, ya look tired
out.’ Hutch nudged Abby surreptitiously and gazed at his partner. Starsky took the bait.
‘What d’ya mean I look tired out? I got my full
8 hours sleep, like always. And as for bein’ on my own, I don’t have much option at the moment. Since Delia left,
there aint been no one else. Maybe that’s my problem. Maybe I was never cut out to be a bachelor. I should be with a
rich woman who can keep me in the manner to which I would like to become accustomed. It’s probably the nightmares I
had about purple poodles and giant man eatin’ movie stars.’
‘You’ve no chance of her eatin’ ya buddy.
You can’t even string a sentence together when she’s around. What is it with ya?’
The girl between the two detectives elbowed her boyfriend in
the side. ‘Hutch! Be nice. He can’t help it if he gets star struck! She’s a woman just like any other, Dave.
You have to learn to relax around her’ Abby advised.
‘Relax she says! Sure, I can relax. Till she looks at
me. She treats me like an idiot an’ to be honest I behave like one when we’re in the same room. Short of droolin’
I’ve done every other embarrassin’ thing I can think of.’
‘Oh, I don’t know. I could probably think of somethin’
even worse that you could do’ Hutch said innocently. ‘What you need is some of this’ the blond continued
pulling a small brown bottle out of his pocket and slapping it on the coffee table.
‘What’s that? I don’t want none of your herbal
shit Hutchinson. It’s for rabbits an’ stuff, not real men.’
‘Well real men don’t go gaga when they see a woman.
I just thought it might help, that’s all.’
With a snort, Starsky grabbed for the bottle and peered at
it. ‘And these are gonna what? Make me irresistible or sumthin?’
‘They’re pills Starsk, not miracle workers. But
they might help. Try one. See how ya go.’
At his side, Abby suppressed a giggle and Hutch glared at her
before pushing a cup of water towards his partner. Memories of Starsky’s double headed dime and his nightmare talk to
the kiddies goaded him on and Hutch kept his face impassive. Starsky looked suspiciously at the blond before unscrewing the
top from the bottle. He shook three small green tablets out onto his palm and sniffed at them cautiously.
‘I said just take one’ Hutch warned as Starsky
snickered at him and knocked the three pills back in one, washing them down with the water.
‘If one will help, then three will help three times as
much’ the brunet grinned, obviously impressed at his own powers of deduction.
‘I um…. I’m not sure it works that way Gordo.
There may be some um…. side effects.’ Abby disappeared into the bathroom in a rush, sounding as though she were
choking and Starsky watched her go.
‘Side effects? Jeez buddy. Ya didn’t think to tell
me about them before I took the pills?’
‘I didn’t know you were gonna take half the bottle!’
‘So what are they? I’m not gonna turn green, or
come out in spots or sumthin am I?’
Hutch straightened his face. ‘No, nothin’ like
that. And maybe you’ll be one of the lucky ones who doesn’t get affected. Just wait and see huh? Just think, when
we get to the Hilton, Davina could feel the pull of the pills and she’ll be all over ya.’
‘Uh huh. So long as it don’t have the same effect
on Fifi, I’ll be fine. C’mon, time to get the show on the road.’ Starsky stood up, feeling a little dizzy
and waited while Hutch knocked on the bathroom door and shouted a goodbye to his girlfriend. It had been a while since Starsky
had had the company of a pretty lady and in a way he was both jealous and at the same time happy for his partner that Hutch
had found such a lovely girl. As Hutch opened the door, he could hear something that sounded suspiciously like laughter coming
from the small room. He walked to the door and waited, his hand on the door handle until Hutch had had one last kiss and then
trotted down to the waiting Torino.
As Starsky got into the car however, he felt the first twinge
from the centre of his body and looked down to see the beginnings of a bulge, tenting his jeans. He snickered to himself.
Great, the first time in weeks that he’d felt like some groin action and all he had was Hutch and his left fist! Wonderful!
As he watched the blond get into the car, Starsky wriggled a little on the seat and started the engine.
‘Hey, you ok buddy?’ Hutch asked as they drove
‘You look kinda uncomfortable there. Somethin’
the matter?’ the flaxen haired cop asked innocently.
‘Wha? Noo. M’ok. Just… no, I’m good.’
Hutch smiled to himself, knowingly and they continued in silence
for a couple of minutes as the buildings whipped past.
‘I was thinking. Could we stop at the Double Douce? I
need to see Talulah about the statement we took last week and um…..well we’re passin’ and we don’t
have to be at the hotel for a while yet’ Hutch mused as Starsky surreptitiously adjusted himself as he drove.
By now, the pressure was really getting to the brunet. This
wasn’t just a passing flash of testosterone, this was a real, full blooded, zip stretching hard on and it throbbed uncontrollably
against the tight denim restraints of Starsky’s jeans. The thought of going into a strip joint full of naked or near
naked girls almost sent the curly haired cop over the edge and he let out a strangled, muted cry. Hutch looked over at him.
‘There is somethin’. What’s up buddy. Are
you in pain?’
‘Um… no not exactly’ the brunet muttered,
colouring slightly. He wriggled again in his seat and even with the hem of his leather jacket partly covering his lap, it
was evident that he had more than a small problem. The blond’s crystal gaze fell on the raised denim and his face cracked
into a grin.
‘What d’ya mean….Oh?’ Starsky growled.
‘It’s not….oh my God. It’s them pills! What’ve ya done at me? Is this….is this one of
the side effects you were talkin’ about? So help me Hutchinson….’
‘Hold on, hold on, you’ll be fine. It’s pretty
harmless! You’ll be ok buddy, you just need to…..well it isn’t too obvious, especially if ya kinda walk
bent over and maybe carry somethin’ in front of ya.’
Starsky threw the car into a right hand turn, throwing Hutch
sideways so that he hit his head on the glass of the window. The blond yelped and rubbed at his head.
‘You did that on purpose!’
‘Did not. What were those pills? How long is this gonna
last? You knew about this didn’t ya Hutchinson?’
‘It shouldn’t last too long Starsk, although I
did tell ya that the dosage was one tablet an’ you took three times that amount. I warned you!’
‘I asked you how long the side effects will last.’
The blond tried to hide the smile behind his hand and he coughed
slightly. ‘About 12 hours’ he mumbled indistinctly.
Hutch turned to face his partner and grinned. ‘About
12 hours’ he said more distinctly.
’12…. You mean I’m gonna walk around like
I have the Statue of Liberty rammed down my jeans for 12 hours! Oh my God, just shoot me now! Miss Davina fuckin’ Darling
already thinks I’m some kinda freak. What’s she gonna think now? How can I hide this?’
‘She may well see you in a different light Starsk. You
never know, it could be a big turn on for her.’
‘Yeah? Knowin’ my luck, the only female I’ll
turn on will be Fifi’ Starsky muttered darkly.
‘Well you’re not that big. It shouldn’t be
too diff…. Oh!’ Hutch looked at the impossibly tight jeans and the denim now stretched perilously tight over the
rod of flesh and winced in sympathy. ‘Maybe looser jeans?’ he offered.
‘These are the loosest ones I’ve got. Jeez Hutch.
Is this your way of getting’ back at me for the other night?’
‘I had to do somethin’, you were askin’ for
it! You were way outa line buddy, but um… I didn’t think you’d take 3. Sorry!’
Starsky growled. ‘Fine. God knows what I’m gonna
do for the rest of today.’ The brunet stared at the centre of his body disconsolately. ‘I read an article in Readers
Digest once ya know. A guy got a boner an’ it wouldn’t go down an’ he had to have it chopped off. If I have
to have a blade anywhere near the family jewels, that’d be the end of our beautiful friendship, I’m warnin’
‘It happened once before’ Hutch smirked.
‘Uh huh. Fortunately I was too young to remember an’
the way Ma tells it, I peed all over the Rabbi in revenge!’
‘It’ll go down buddy, I promise it will. It’ll
just take time and some um….disguisin’.’
‘Hutch, I swear, one day I’m gonna get my own back.’
Starsky lapsed into silence as he swung his car down Wilshire Road and came to a stop outside the Double Douce. The pair got
out and Starsky stood by the door of his car, flexing his knees and adjusting himself in the hope of allowing the erection
to go down slightly. It was a vain hope and the pressure seemed to be increasing, if that was at all possible. He sighed and
followed his partner into the nightclub.
Once inside, it was apparent that this was not the right place
for a guy with the sort of problem the brunet had. The girls were not exactly wide awake at that time of the early afternoon,
but on the other hand they weren’t sleepy enough to miss the fact that the handsome brunet cop seemed inordinately pleased
to see them. While Hutch went in search of Talulah, Starsky stood by the side of the bar, his crotch pressed tightly against
the wooden structure in the hope that no one would notice.
Unfortunately, the girls were used to their costumes arousing
all sorts of emotions from their customers and they were used to spotting those men for whom the feathers and sequins were
just too much. As Starsky waited for his partner to reappear, he was treated to sidelong looks, and the occasional comment
and when one of the girls whose costume appeared to consist of three strategically placed stars leaned over him to get to
something behind the bar.
‘Well aren’t you just a sweetie?’ she asked
huskily, her breasts inches from Starsky’s face.
‘Um, uh huh?’ the brunet replied, trying to look
‘Where’ve you been all my life?’ she asked.
‘I just love men with curly hair. Is it curly all over suga?’
At that point, Little Davey decided that he really needed to
see who was speaking too and made a concerted effort to get himself out of the denim prison.
‘I um….I have to go’ Starsky squeaked as
the girl swiftly wrote a telephone number onto a scrap of paper. She pushed it into the curly haired cop’s back jeans
pocket just as the brunet felt as though the world was trying it’s best to burst out of his jeans and with a strangled
yelp, he bolted for the door.
When Hutch finally made an appearance outside, fifteen minutes
later, Starsky was sitting back in the safety of his Torino, his head resting back on the headrest, a fine sheen of perspiration
on his top lip and a copy of “Practical Photographer” draped strategically over his groin. He looked up as the
blond got into the car.
‘There are some things that are asking too much of a
police officer. And that was one of ‘em’ he muttered darkly as he gunned the engine and set off towards the Bay
On the way over to the Hilton, Starsky continued to wriggle
in his seat, the pressure in the centre of his body making it almost impossible for him to think of anything else other than
his personal predicament. Twice Hutch caught him surreptitiously lowering the zip on his jeans and finally the blond smacked
his partner’s hand away and snorted.
‘Just think about something else Gordo. It can’t
be that bad surely, can it?’
‘Don’t you believe it! Do you realise in the past
two miles I’ve seen five chicks wearing hot pants that were barely legal an’ three of ‘em had such low cut
tops that their assets were hangin’ out and ….. oh my God, look, even the dogs are at it!’ Starsky nodded
sideways as the Torino sped past two dogs humping on a street corner. ‘The whole world is conspirin’ against me.
Did you realise that Bay City was such a….a….it’s fuckin’ X rated!’
‘Well I know you want to make an impression on Davina
buddy, but I don’t think hangin’ out of your jeans is the way to go. That’s not the way to win friends and
influence the A set. Zip up, we’re here’ Hutch observed as his partner brought the car to a halt at the top of
the parking lot of the Hilton.
Removing the “Practical Photographer” from its
strategic position over his groin, Starsky grasped the zip fastener and tried to raise it again. His hand shook, he hissed,
breathed in and grunted, trying to get the two halves of the material to meet over the huge swelling. ‘Nope. Can’t
do it’ he gasped.
‘Sure you can. Just yank it up. Breathe in. Try harder!’
‘Gimme a minute’ Starsky breathed. ‘I just
need to get a better grip on the….. OH MY GOD!’ the brunet managed a strangled scream as his hand grasped between
Hutch’s face showed genuine concern. ‘What? What’s
happened? Are you in pain?’
Starsky’s face had turned an attractive shade of pink
and his eyes were screwed up as his hands fumbled with his jeans. ‘Pain?...zip….hair….trapped’ he
‘Well how the hell did you do that?’ Hutch asked,
trying to keep his face straight.
‘Tryin’ to cover up the problem that YOU CAUSED’
‘Well just yank it up! You’ll be fine’ the
‘I can’t. It’s stuck, it’s trapped
Hutch leaned over and slapped his partner’s hands away
from the fly and yanked at it eliciting a squeak from the brunet.
‘……hairs’ Starsky finished, wiping
a tear from the corner of his eye. Hutch pulled the zipper all the way up and suddenly froze in place. Outside the car Spence
was looking in through the open window. Hutch raised his hand from Starsky’s lap and whipped it back like a rattler.
‘Oh hey Ray’ the blond blustered, trying to hide
the fact that he’d been caught in the compromising position.
Spence grinned at the two detectives. ‘Starsk…
Hutch’ he said smoothly. ‘They always said you two were close, but….’
‘It’s not what ya think’ Starsky protested.
Spence raised his hand. ‘It’s ok guys, your secret
is safe with me.’
Hutch snickered. ‘Whatever. How was it today?’
‘With Miss “I love pink”? She was asleep
until about an hour ago. Then she got up and she’s been throwing her weight around ever since. So far I’ve made
her a Gimlet, ordered her a cup of Earl grey….”in a china cup darling” and phoned her manicurist. I tell
you, I’ve been on some jobs. I’ve protected Mafia daughters from their parents, I’ve dealt with terrorists
and drug barons, I’ve been shot, stabbed twice, but Jeez, I’ve never met anyone who can reduce me to tears like
she can’ Spence said with feeling.
Hutch nodded. ‘I know what ya mean. Still, at least you
got the day shift when she’s asleep. Me an’ Starsk are gonna suffer for a while. See ya later.’ The doors
to the parking lot opened and Starsky drove the car smoothly through. Getting out they headed up to the penthouse floor and
the elevator car’s doors opened onto Miss Darling’s domain. The door to the penthouse suite stood open and inside
the duo could see the woman herself, led back on a chaise long with Fifi curled up on her lap. Loud music played, rocking
the building with its intensity and by the door Colston, Spence’s partner stood swaying slightly. He grinned in relief
as he saw Hutch and his partner and made for the elevator without hanging round.
‘She’s all yours, an’ God help ya’
he threw over his shoulder as he went.
Starsky shrugged and he and Hutch walked into the room. Davina
had an eye mask over her eyes and was obviously oblivious to their approach. Hutch signalled for his partner to turn off the
music as he went to stand by the chaise and as the noise ceased, Davina sat bolt upright and pulled her eye mask up.
‘What the hell do you think you’re doing?’
she snapped at Starsky who was standing by the music centre.
‘His job’ Hutch said smoothly. ‘You might
be wastin’ tax payers money using four cops to protect ya, but c’mon lady, you gotta help yourself. We could have
been anyone and you didn’t even know we’d come into the room.’
‘Well if you’d been doing your job properly darling,
you wouldn’t let anyone in here.’
Hutch bristled. ‘Are you sayin’ you don’t
think we can do our job?’
Davina smiled up at him. ‘You? Oh yes, I know you can.
As for Mr Neanderthal over there’ she pointed at Starsky who scowled at her from behind the sofa where he was trying
to hide the lump in his jeans. ‘I’ve acted with more intelligent apes.’
They were saved by the bell from further vitriolic comments
by the telephone ringing. Davina got up and floated on a cloud of Estee Lauder Youth Dew perfume over to it and picked it
up with one well manicured hand. A moment later she held the receiver out to Hutch. ‘You are Hutchinson? I never was
any good with names. It’s for you.’
The blond looked questioningly at the woman and took the phone.
He spoke soft and low into the hand piece as Starsky continued to hide behind various pieces of furniture to save his embarrassment.
Eventually his partner put the receiver back on the cradle and motioned for the brunet to meet him by the door.
‘That was Dobey. They’ve just had a call from the
courthouse. Remember Shady Joe Frazier?’
‘Uh huh. There’s been an APB out on him for weeks.
No one’s seen hide or hair of him.’
‘They have now. They’ve just picked him up and
taken him down to the courthouse. They want me down there to give my evidence buddy’ Hutch looked apologetic.
‘Now? And are you goin’?’ the brunet asked
with a slight tremor in his voice.
‘Yeah, who am I to argue with the Judge. I don’t
want an arrest warrant out on me too. I won’t be long. No more than a couple of hours I don’t think.’
‘You don’t think? What the hell kind of assurance
is that?’ Starsky said angrily.
‘It’s the only one I can give ya buddy. You’ll
‘No, Hutch. I won’t be fine. She hates me, the
dog hates me, right now, with this thing starin’ up at me’ Starsky pointed surreptitiously to his groin ‘I
hate me. Don’t leave me, please.’ There was something of the frightened schoolboy about his partner and Hutch
couldn’t help but smile.
‘Just relax and be yourself. When she gets to know you,
she’ll love ya.’
‘Blondie she thought I was a cretin yesterday. Now she’s
gonna think I’m a deformed, oversexed cretin. I can’t do this. I’m gonna phone Dobey. I’m gonna resign.
I’m gonna emigrate.’
‘You’re gonna get right back in there and be your
usual charming self. Just smile at her an’ she’ll melt, it works with other chicks’ Hutch encouraged.
‘She aint other chicks’ Starsky said darkly.
‘No, she’s a spoiled, rich chick. Ya never know,
you might get lucky. See ya later Gordo.’
‘No you won’t. When ya get back there’ll
just be a shrivelled husk of a man coz she’ll have eaten me up an’ spat me out. I thought you were my friend.’
‘I am. I’m your rapidly departing friend. See ya
later buddy’ Hutch said and ran for the elevator leaving Starsky staring mournfully after him. Disconsolately, the brunet
wandered back into the apartment and closed the door behind him. On the chair by the side of the entrance Fifi bared her teeth
and growled. Starsky fixed the pink animal with a glare and went in search of Davina Darling. He found the woman by the piano
in the main living room and she looked up as he walked in.
‘Oh, it’s you. Where’s the other one? The
handsome one?’ Davina asked coldly.
‘He um, he had to um….’
‘Um? He had to um? Oh my God. Not only do you look like
a gorilla, you talk like one.’ The woman looked Starsky up and down haughtily and walked off towards the French windows
to go out onto the balcony. At the same time, Starsky’s temper finally snapped and he rushed after her.
‘Now just hang on one cotton pickin’ minute lady’
he snapped. ‘Hey, what are ya doin’?’
She stared at him as though he were something that had fallen
off the bottom of his shoe. ‘It’s hot and I can’t stand that smell you seem to think passes for aftershave.
I need some fresh air.’ Davina flung open the door and started to make her way out onto the substantial balcony.
‘Oh no ya don’t! Not out there’ Starsky yelled.
‘Why not? I need my fresh air.’
‘You’re a sitting duck out there. Anyone could
take a pot shot at ya. Get back inside now.’
Davina looked at him coldly and as though daring Starsky to
do something, she took another step further out.
Whether it was a flash of reflected light off a glass, or the
noise of the shot, he never really knew, but the brunet’s cop senses suddenly skittered up onto high alert and without
really thinking what was happening, he launched himself at the pink clad woman and knocked her to the ground just as a hot
rang out and a bullet flew past their heads, shattering the glass of the window.
Starsky’s body landed on top of Davina’s and for
a moment there was silence before the woman opened her mouth and gave the most blood curdling scream. The brunet tried to
get up, shaking shards of glass out of his curls, thinking that maybe he’d hurt Miss Darling when he knocked her out
of the way of the bullet. The woman continued to shriek and the next thing Starsky was aware of was a sharp pain in his ankle
and a weight attaching itself to the bottom of his trouser leg. Looking down, he shook his leg rapidly, trying to dislodge
the pink fluffy blob from his shin, but Fifi was nothing if not determined. With a roar, Starsky grabbed the dog by the scruff
of its neck and shook it until it gave loose.
Blood started to ooze from the puncture marks in his leg, but
Starsky ignored them and levered himself up to peep over the top of the balcony rail, looking for the marksman. Another shot
parted his hair and pinged off the masonry behind him. He ducked back down, putting his hands over his ears to defend them
from the din of Davina’s screams.
‘Lady will ya can it? I can’t hear myself think.
Are you ok? Did you hurt yourself?’ the brunet panted, his back against the wall.
Davina’s wide eyes turned on him. ‘Hurt myself?
Of course I hurt myself, you oaf. I’ve skinned my knee and….and…I’ve broken a nail!’
‘And you’re screaming’ about that?’
he asked amazed.
‘Well that, and the sight of….oh my God, I can’t
look. What is that thing jammed down the front of your jeans?’
Starsky shuffled over to the woman who had finally stopped
her infernal screaming. Brushing shards of broken glass out of the way, he appraised her carefully.
‘Lady what the hell did you do to piss your husband off
Davina fixed him with a cold eye. ‘He wanted alimony
and I wouldn’t give it him.’
‘How much? Is your life really worth a couple’ve
‘Three point five million, and yes, I worked hard for
that money’ she said carefully.
‘Three poi….. um, ok, well more than a couple’ve
thousand then. But still! Is he um….is he likely to give up now he’s had his pot shot?’ the brunet asked
Davina snickered. ‘My husband is nothing if not persistent.
And anyway, you’re supposed to be here to protect me…..so start protecting!’
‘What the hell d’ya think I’ve just been
doin’?’ Starsky snapped. The palms of his hands were cut and bleeding from the bits of glass he’d crawled
through and being shot at never put him in a particularly happy frame of mind.
‘If you were doing you job, detective,
I wouldn’t be sat out here on my tushy on my balcony with bullets flying around my head and a broken nail and…..and…..’
Davina looked around her as if trying to find something else to complain about.
Something clicked on in the brunet’s curly head and he
nodded. ‘You know, you’re right, Your Highness. I can’t do nuthin here. It’s not defensible. If he
were to get into the elevator, he’d trap us on this floor. I need to be able to see him comin’.’
The actress looked at him curiously. ‘And your suggestion?’
‘We’re goin’ back to mine.’
‘Your place. Where? When?’ Davina asked. She was
seeing a new side to this man she’d thought of as an uneducated idiot and what she saw she quite liked – if it
wasn’t for the terrifying lump in his jeans, he’d be almost normal.
Starsky poked his head over the balcony again and ducked back
down. ‘When I say “go”, I want you to get back into the room. Keep your head down and once you’re
movin’ don’t stop.’
‘How am I supposed to keep my head down? Do you want
me to crawl or something?’ the woman’s voice sounded horrified.
‘That’s the size of it, Your Royalness. If it’s
good enough for the pink pooch, it’ll be fine for you. Ready?’ he checked above the balcony again. ‘One,
He watched as Davina gathered her pink negligee around
her knees and shuffled in an undignified manner through the shattered French windows and into the living room. The brunet
started to follow, grunting as the bent over position added pressure onto his already overstretched jeans. Fuck you Hutchinson.
It’ll be fine partner……won’t be gone long…..have a pill, it’ll stop ya lookin’ peeky……should
never have taken three of ‘em. Just you wait Blondie. I’m gonna get you back some time soon.
The brunet flung himself through the windows into the room,
rolled onto his shoulder and came to his knees to see Davina on her hands and knees under the huge dining table. He snickered,
closed the curtains and came to his feet, brushing himself down. In the corner. Fifi snarled at him, but kept her distance.
Starsky peeped out through a chink in the closed curtains, but could see nothing and he set about getting some things together.
Finally, ten minutes later, he hunkered down and peered at the woman under the table.
‘Ya gonna stay there all day?’ Starsky asked.
Davina eyed him coldly. ‘I was taking shelter’
she said in a dignified voice.
‘Well you can come out now. I’ve packed some stuff,
you’re coming with me.’
With a dramatic sigh, the woman shuffled out from beneath the
table, allowing Starsky a view of her assets as she bent down to brush herself down. ‘I need to get dressed’ she
The brunet appraised her almost see through pink negligee and
the pink chemise beneath. ‘Unless ya want pictures in the paper, yeah.’
Her eyes sparkled ‘Ooh….do you think….?’
‘No, M’lady, you’re meant to be hiding from
your ex, not making a publicity stunt. Ya got some jeans or sumthin?’
‘I have Gloria Vanderbilts’ Davina answered.
‘Well give Gloria her jeans back an’ get some of
your own’ the brunet said, obviously pleased with his own wit and repartee.
The actress blanked him. ‘Her own what? Who? Do you speak
English or is there only ever garbage that comes out of that mouth?’
Starsky shook his head. ‘Forget it. Just go an’
put sumthin practical on an’ hurry up huh? We should be goin’.
Davina shimmied past him towards the bedroom and he could hear
her rummaging around in her closet. She was gone for quite some time and finally the brunet knocked on the bedroom door while
looking the other way.
‘Are you ready?’ he asked.
Davina appeared at the door of the room still in her negligee,
with a pink short sleeved top in one hand and a pink long sleeved top in the other. ‘Which do you think? Is short sleeved
too frivolous? On the other hand, do I really want James to know that he’s got to me? So should I go with short anyway?’
The curly haired cop stared at her dumbfounded. ‘Your
ex has just tried to put a parting in my hair where one don’t belong. He did it with an ounce of lead lady. An’
you’re worried about your couture?’
Davina sighed. ‘You’re right. What would you know?
Anyone who wears a white button down shirt can’t know anything about fashion.’ She turned and headed back to the
room with Starsky in hot pursuit. He slid open the door to the closet and grabbed the first pair of jeans he came to, along
with a midnight blue tee shirt. Flinging them at the woman he stood back, arms folded.
‘Get dressed an’ hurry up’ he snapped, his
patience growing thin.
‘In these? I wouldn’t be seen dead in these.’
The brunet grinned at her and headed for the door. ‘That
could be arranged Your Richness. Now get a move on.’
While Davina busied herself in the bedroom, Starsky wiped his
hands on the small hand towel draped near the bar. They were bleeding, but once clean, showed only small cuts and nothing
that would require dressing or stitches. They stung, but weren’t particularly painful, which is more than could be said
for another portion of the brunet’s anatomy. The swelling in his jeans had taken on mammoth proportions now and was
aching dully. The denim material was stretched taut over his cock and it strained for release, a deep burning sensation nagging
at his groin.
Starsky looked down at it, bending his knees and trying to
get some relief from the pressure. It had been building up for the past couple of hours and was getting to the stage where
he really needed to do something about it. Looking around desperately, his eye fell on the ice bucket on the bar top and he
pulled off the lid. Inside nestled the sparkling ice cubes, beckoning to him and the brunet grabbed one, thinking that maybe
the cold would encourage the erection to go down some.
Checking that Davina was still engrossed in getting ready,
he scooped up a couple of the cubes, breathed in and pushed them down the front of his jeans, hoping for relief. He wasn’t
prepared for the intense cold snagging at the centre of his body however and he bit back a small scream as he wrestled with
his zip in an attempt to get them back out again. His wet fingers grappled at his zip as he made small whimpering noises,
his hands not moving quick enough. Finally, he shook his leg and the ice cubes skittered down his jeans leg and clattered
on to the floor. Starsky sighed in relief. Obviously that didn’t work as planned.
A quarter of an hour later, Starsky sighed with relief as Davina
appeared out of the bedroom, dressed and perfectly made up. She took a disdainful look at the brunet and stalked towards the
door. ‘Well? Do I have to wait for ever?’ she asked.
Starsky snorted incredulously and headed for the door himself.
‘After me, Your Highness. Move quick, don’t make a sound and keep behind me.’
‘Yessir’ she saluted smartly and paused as the
curly haired cop drew his gun from his holster and cocked the weapon. As Starsky started to open the door, she stopped him.
‘What about Fifi?’ Davina asked.
‘Fifi. I’m not going anywhere without my baby.’
The brunet snickered. ‘It’s a dog. It’ll
be fine here.’
‘I am not moving without my doggy. Pick her up and bring
here along’ the woman commanded imperiously.
Starsky cocked his head on one side. ‘Look, lady, I’ll
cut you a deal. The pooch can come if it has to, but it’s all yours. You see to it, not me.’
‘It’s not an “it”, it’s a “she”
and she needs to be carried. Pick her up’ Davina stood her ground.
‘It may have escaped your notice, but your ex husband
is out there with a gun. He’s just tried to shoot ya, and while that really doesn’t worry me one way or another,
I kinda like my head in one piece. Now we have a choice here. You can bring the apology for a dog with us, so long as you
carry it, or it stays here. Right now, I got my hands full of the hardware that might just save our lives’ Starsky explained,
the exasperation clear in his voice.
‘But…. My bodyguard always carries Fifi’
‘Well I aint your bodyguard an’ I aint gonna carry
your dog. What d’ya want me to do out there? Defend us with a loaded poodle?’
‘Oh you think you’re so funny don’t you’
the actress muttered, picking up the small pink animal. She stuffed Fifi under her arm and stood sulking beside the door.
With the woman behind him and his gun held loose but ready
in his left hand, Starsky opened the door and peered outside. The passageway to the elevator was clear and he walked out and
pushed the button the summon the elevator car. As it arrived, he motioned for Davina to join him and they made their way down
to the parking lot. Getting out, once again, the brunet checked the perimeter before pushing Davina, still clutching Fifi
to her chest, towards his Torino. The woman gazed at it in loathing.
‘No, no no no, I can’t go in that’ she said,
taking a step back.
‘Why?’ Starsky asked, opening the door for her.
‘Because it’s….red…..and white……and…..no,
find me something else.’
The brunet appraised his car lovingly. ‘This is the finest
car in the world. This is a Ford Gran Torino in Viper Red with a white stripe. Custom made. You have the pink pooch, I have
my own baby an’ if ya keep bad mouthin’ it, you’re gonna be runnin’ behind it. Now get in, Your Ladyship,
and keep your uncharitable thoughts to yourself.
Davina sniffed, clutched Fifi closer to her and got herself
into the car, muttering darkly under her breath. With a smile, Starsky trotted round to the drivers side and got in.
So far the score was five point to the actress, but he was
catchin’ up fast, and on home territory, how could he lose?
They drove in silence for a while, Starsky with one eye on
the rear view mirror to check that no-one was following them, and Davina with her dog clutched to her chest like a comfort
blanket. Every time the brunet made a move to apply the parking brake or generally move his hands, the little animal’s
lips would curl back in a snarl and a small but distinct rumble would come from its tiny chest. Starsky had the urge to growl
back at the pink bundle of fluff, but kept himself in check.
Satisfied after a few blocks that no one was tailing them,
the curly haired cop relaxed a little and his mind started to think about what he was doing instead of acting on pre reflex.
In the car, he was fine. He could keep a watch and he could see them coming. Once back at his house, however, the brunet knew
that he needed backup. And where was Hutch when he needed him? Starsky cast a look at his watch. It was almost four hours
since the blond had made his big escape from Davina Darling’s apartment and now that it was going up for 6:30 in the
evening, Starsky knew the courthouse would have long since closed. Cursing under his breath, the curly haired man turned his
car in the direction of down town and the Pits.
At his side, Davina looked around her at the seedier side of
Bay City with incredulity.
‘Why is that woman just standing on that corner? Doesn’t
she have a home to go to?’ she asked imperiously.
Starsky snickered as he saw Lilo Lil plying her trade. ‘Yeah,
she’s got a home. She just don’t want to go back alone.’
‘Is she lonely?’ Davina persisted.
‘Um….’ at that moment a man sidled up to
Lil and whispered something in her ear. Lil nodded, looking bored but motioned for the man to follow her. ‘Don’t
look like it’ Starsky grinned.’
‘Is that her friend?’
The cop stared at her incredulously. ‘Are you havin’
‘What? Why? Will you please attempt to speak English
once in a while?’
‘Lil don’t want to go home empty handed coz that
don’t pay the rent’ Starsky explained.
‘Pay the….. you mean she’s….. oh my
God!’ Davina clutched Fifi to her chest even harder, burying her nose in the fluff on the animal’s back as though
trying to hide in it.
Starsky drove on and finally pulled up in the alleyway at the
back of the bar. Early on in the cop’s relationship with Huggy, the bartender made it clear that the sight of the red
and white striped car parked out front tended to put off trade and so the brunet habitually parked round the back. Daviba
wrinkled her nose as Starsky got out of the car.
‘Stay put an’ don’t talk to no one’
he ordered. ‘I won’t be a minute.’
‘Where are you going? You can’t leave me. I’m
in life threatening danger!’ the woman snarked.
‘The only danger there is around here, lady, is the salmonella
from the Huggy Special. If you’re so worried, you can come in with me, but for God’s sake leave the dog here.’
‘Do we have to go in? It looks…. unsavoury.’
‘I’m only goin’ to be a minute. I wanna see
where Hutch is, an’ the bar tender here has the best radar in the city.’
At the mention of the blond cop’s name, Davina’s
face lit up. ‘The blond one might be inside? Well why didn’t you say? Help me out’ she said and held her
hand out to Starsky. He took it and bowed sarcastically and slammed the door behind her, leaving Fifi locked inside, barking.
The two made their way into the dark interior of the bar. At
that early time of evening there were few people inside and Huggy was busy shining up the glasses. He smiled as Starsky walked
in and peered behind the brunet to see the woman trailing behind. She looked like a fish out of water and was almost tip toeing
across to the bar.
‘Who’s the broad?’
Starsky looked behind him. ‘No one. Ya seen Blondie?’
‘He was in a while ago. Said somethin’ about layin’
low and a job he hated.’
Starsky scowled. ‘Him an’ me both. Where did he
‘Home I think. Ya wanna ring him?’
The brunet shook his head. ‘No, I’m gonna let this
one be a real surprise for him.’
‘Have you two been arguin’?’ Huggy asked
‘Nope. To argue you actually have to see the other person.
My partner is conspicuous by his absence. See ya Hug.’ Starsky pushed himself off from the bar and did a little wriggle
of his hips trying to get the centre of his body a little more comfortable.
‘Hey Starsky. Are ya hurt?’ the bar tender asked,
observing the wide legged gait of the brunet as he made for the door.
‘Huh? Oh, no. Not as much as Blondie will be when I’ve
done with him.’
Collecting the woman on his way out, Starsky made for the car
again. As he opened the door, a voice of one of the patrons of the bar behind them said
‘Hey, isn’t that Davina Darling? What’s she
Davina paused and was going to turn around but the cop bundled
her into the car and slammed it closed behind her. She tried to get out again and Starsky shoved his knee against the door
keeping it closed.
‘Will you stay put’ he hissed.
‘But that was a fan. He recognised me’ Davina said.
‘I have my public to consider.’
‘And you have my sanity to consider too. Now get in an’
keep quiet.’ Starsky trotted round to the drivers side of the car and opened the door. The dog barked at him from the
back seat and he rounded on it. ‘Shuddup’ he snarled.
‘Don’t you shout at Fifi like that! She’s
very sensitive. She’ll be in therapy for months!’ Davina said, gathering up the pink bundle again.
‘Her an’ me both’ the brunet muttered. Between
the absent blond, the woman sharing his car and the persistent aching in his groin, Starsky was fast losing the will to live.
The swelling on his groin was beginning to hurt now and he felt like he needed release like no other time he could remember.
The brunet was beginning to think that if he didn’t do something about it soon, Little Davey was going to up and walk
out on him, or at least fall off from lack of attention. Pushing his foot to the metal, Starsky gunned the engine a drove
off muttering darkly under his breath. It didn’t help matters that Davina didn’t seem able to take her eyes off
his groin and he tried to pull up his right knee to lessen the effects.
Eventually however, they got home and the curly haired cop
pulled his car to a halt under the shade of the tree and got out. Still checking behind, just in case they’d been followed,
he let the woman and the dog out of the car. While Davina gazed in horror at his apartment, Fifi registered her own feelings
and peed against the tyre of the Torino. Gritting his teeth against making comment, Starsky ushered the woman and dog into
the apartment and closed the door behind them.
Fifi started nosing around, poking her little nose into corners
and generally getting to know the place. Davina too was looking around her as though the brunet had brought her to a cave
rather than his home.
‘Do, um…..do you want a drink?’ Starsky asked.
‘I mean, we might be here a while, so make yourself at home. I’m gonna go and um….have a shower. Don’t
open the door, don’t answer the phone and keep away from the windows huh?’ Starsky said, desperate now to go and
get the mammoth erection dealt with in some way.
Ms Darling gazed at him as though he’d asked her to cook
a five course meal. ‘Oh, um….right drink. Yes, I can do that. You go an um….’
Without waiting for another answer, Starsky headed for the
bedroom, grabbed a clean pair of boxers, jeans, a tee shirt and a clean towel. Pushing the door to the bathroom closed behind
him, he breathed a shaky sigh and with relief unzipped his jeans and dropped them to the floor. His boxers joined them and
he turned on the shower to cover the sounds he was likely to make.
Looking down at the now purple dick standing out proud
between his legs, he hitched a breath. ‘Jeez, it’s mutatin’. I was never that big, was I? Oh God Hutchinson,
what the hell have you an’ Abby done at me?’
Sitting down on the edge of the toilet, Starsky wrapped
his fingers around himself and set about trying to relieve the horrendous throbbing. He relaxed back against the cistern,
closing his eyes, but try as he might, nothing happened. Minutes later, and with a strangled moan, Starsky redoubled his efforts.
‘Ok ya can do this Davey. Think about the girls at the Double Douce. Nice girls….no clothes…..huge assets
bouncin’ around in front of your eyes…. there for the takin’. Shit, c’mon buddy do sumthin, ya can’t
stay like this for ever. Oh fuck, it’s turnin’ purple! Shit, shit, shit.’
Starsky continued rubbing and stroking but to no avail. Whatever
he did and whatever he thought of, nothing seemed to give him the release he wanted, while everything seemed to make him harder
and more susceptible to the throbbing ache.
Finally giving up on the idea that he could make himself release,
the brunet tried the next best thing. If he couldn’t make it go down through more natural methods, maybe a cold shower
would take the edge off it. Getting up breathlessly, the brunet stripped off his tee shirt and stepped into the shower. Bracing
himself he turned the thermostat down to 0 and waited.
‘Fuck!’ he yelped as the ice cold needles of water
snapped at his skin. The cold was torture and he turned so that the water hit the front of his body and especially Little
Davey. Surely no erection could survive this. It’s what they did in the Army for goodness sake. And yet, Little Davey
seemed to be turning his one eye up to the water source and enjoying every minute of the shower, if anything swelling to even
bigger proportions. Eventually, Starsky had had enough even if his mutant dick hadn’t and he got out of the water shivering
violently and grabbed for the towel, realising belatedly that it was a hand towel he’d taken from the pile and not anything
Cursing under his breath, Starsky used the tiny towel to dry
his hair and then looked around for his clothes. He had brought them into the bathroom, he knew he had, and yet….. Suddenly
he saw his jeans disappearing through the open bathroom door, pulled away by a small pink animal. The brunet made a dive for
the fast disappearing apparel, but missed by inches. In the living room, he could see Davina sitting on the chair opposite
the bathroom door.
While he’d been in the shower, Fifi had pushed open the
bathroom door and had taken away his clothes an item at a time, the only think she’d left being his boxers. Breathing
a sigh of relief, he grabbed for them and was about to put them on when Starsky realised why the dog had left them in the
bathroom. Deciding she’d liked the feel of the cotton, or maybe the colour, the tiny poodle had done a number on his
underwear and now, Starsky held up the boxers to show a hole torn into the centre of the fabric. However he tried to wear
them, there’d be nothing left to the imagination.
Taking up the tiny towel, Starsky tried to tie it round his
waist, but however he did it, the huge erection still tented the towelling terrifyingly. With a whimper of barely suppressed
rage, the brunet grabbed the offending part of his body, jammed it harshly between his thighs and minced with knees together,
and as much dignity he could muster from the bathroom into the bedroom, clutching the towel close round his body en route.
‘Are you going to be long? This is so boring!’
Davina asked as Starsky managed to use various pieces of furniture to hide his progress to the bedroom.
‘Long?’ Starsky squeaked, looking down at his groin
involuntarily. ‘Oh, um….gonna get dressed. ‘Amuse yourself.’
Closing his bedroom door behind him, the brunet cursed fluently
and without repeating himself for a couple of minutes as he jammed his legs into his clean jeans and tried to zip them back
up again. Having experienced freedom, however, his cock seemed to have taken on a life of its own and didn’t want to
be shut away in the denim prison again. It fought back with a vengeance and eventually the brunet was reduced to lying on
his back on the bed to zip himself up. Starsky prodded disconsolately at the rod of flesh.
‘What’re you lookin’ at huh? You with
your self satisfied eye. Get back in there. I gave you your chance an’ ya didn’t play fair.’ Starsky
pulled on the zip, his right hand inside the jeans protecting flesh and hair in case he gave a repeat performance of the escapade
in the car. It hurt, but he managed with a grunt. Sitting up, however was another story and Starsky felt as though his breath
were being cut off when he doubled himself up, so instead he rolled himself to the edge of the mattress like a weeble and
slithered off the bed onto his knees and with an effort , stood up and brushing himself down as he walked to the door.
Opening it, he braced himself for another tirade from the woman
again, but as he waked out into the living room, he found it empty apart from the dog. With a growing tide of panic rising
in his chest, Starsky ran to the bathroom and then searched behind the counter top in the kitchen just in case Davina was
The dog looked up at him, her ears cocked.
‘What’re you lookin’ at, underpant eater?
Where’s she gone now huh? What’ve ya done with her?’
Fifi gazed back at the brunet with a glazed look in her eye.
‘And what’m I talkin’ to you for. You’re
a dog, you’re pink and you’re French! You don’t even speak English. Jeez an’ now I’m talkin’
to ya like you’re gonna answer back. I’m so screwed.’
The brunet was about to reach for the telephone when it rang
and he grabbed at it. ‘Starsky. What d’ya want?’ he snapped into the receiver.
‘Well it’s more a case of what you want’
Huggy Bear’s voice sounded down the line. ‘I think I may have found somethin’ you lost?’
‘Well that stick insect you brought in earlier is back
in my bar. She says she’s Davina Darling and she’s um….she’s signing autographs.’
The brunet put his head in his hands. So much for being able
to keep a watch on her at his place. ‘Hug, do me a favour an’ keep an eye on her ok? I’ll be right down.’
‘Can I take photographs? I mean this is publicity with
a capital P my man. Davina Darling in the Pits. This could double my revenue.’
‘Hug, you can pin her to the wall an’ frame her,
just so long as you keep her from moving outa the bar’ Starsky said. He slammed the phone down and ran to the door,
collecting his shield, cuffs, holster and gun on the way. Looking round, he couldn’t find his car keys. The brunet looked
on the floor round the table he always left them on. He checked the pocket of the jeans he’d take off earlier and then,
with a groan of frustration, he looked outside to find the Torino gone. Whatever Davina had said about his car, she’d
obviously preferred second class driving to first class walking.
Stalking back into his living room, he picked up the phone
and dialled Hutch’s number. The telephone picked up on the fourth ring.
‘It’s me’ Starsky said darkly.
‘Oh, um….Hey there partner. Um….courthouse….long
sitting……just got back. Are you ok?’
‘Oh sure, I’m fine. I’m sitting here contemplating
a cock the size of the Statue of Liberty with a beer and a pink dog for company. Meanwhile, I thought I’d give the actress
a night off. She’s showing herself the delights of Bay City’s rougher end, in my car.’
‘Starsk have you been drinking?’ Hutch asked carefully.
‘No, but I wish I had. An alcoholic nightmare couldn’t
be any worse than this.’
‘You’re honestly tellin’ me that you’ve
lost Davina Darling?’ the blond continued, his voice rising slightly in panic.
‘Lost? Oh no, she aint lost. I know exactly where she
is’ Starsky replied innocently.
‘And that would be….?’
‘She’s enjoying the ambience of the Pits. Huggy
There was an impatient sound from Hutch’s end of the
phone. ‘Well go and get her then.’
‘With what? Oh wait, there’s a horse lives down
the street. Or maybe I should phone for a cab. Weren’t ya listening? She’s taken my car. I need you to come get
me and then we both go down there and we get her back.’
‘Well why the hell did you take her to your house in
the first place?’ Hutch asked.
Starsky ran his fingers through his damp curls. ‘Look,
much as I love havin’ this friendly chat, I think it’s more important you put the lovely Abby down and come get
me huh? After that I’ll tell you the whole story. Just get here quick. I’ll be dealin’ with my other problem
till you get here.’
‘Ok, I’m on my way. I take it it hasn’t gone
down yet then?’
Starsky took the receiver away from his ear. ‘NO’
he yelled into the mouthpiece and slammed down the handset with a thump.
And indeed the swelling still hadn’t gone down. Attempting
some hand relief hadn’t worked, and neither had the cold shower. Desperately trying to find some comfort, the brunet
rushed to the kitchen and opened his fridge. He packed his cold pack with some of the ice cubes from the freezer, screwed
on the top and sank down onto the nearest chair. With a sigh, Starsky paid the ice pack on top of his groin and rested his
head on the chair back, eyes closed and a beatific smile on his face.
That was exactly how Hutch found his when he shot through the
front door ten minutes later. Starsky opened his eyes and looked up as Hutch gazed at him pityingly.
‘What’re ya doin’?’
‘Is it working?’
‘What d’ya mean you don’t know? Surely you
can tell if it’s goin’ down.’
‘No, it isn’t goin’ down?’ Hutch asked.
‘Nope, I can’t tell. It’s pleasantly numb.’
Gently, Hutch removed the ice pack away from the still swollen
surface. Starsky had unzipped his jeans and now the slightly blue head popped out of the top of the brunet’s boxers.
‘Starsk how long did ya have it on there?’
‘Ten minutes, maybe fifteen. Why?’
‘You’re gonna get frostbite buddy. No wonder you
can’t feel it. C’mon, a good dose of work’ll take your mind off it. Zip up.’
Starsky looked disconsolately at his partner. ‘Look what
you’ve done at me Hutchinson. I’m gonna be a eunuch. First it gets so swollen it goes purple and now it’s
gonna drop off with the cold. Are ya happy now? The end of the Starsky dynasty. No curly headed little kiddies trottin’
round, and when the future Mrs Starsky asks why, I’m gonna tell her it was a cruel joke played by the guy who USED to
be my best friend.’
Together the two men went outside and got into Hutch’s
car, driving quickly down to the Pits. Inside, the bar was more buzzing than they’d ever seen it. Music played from
the juke box and in one corner of the bar a long queue had formed. Men and women were standing in line with bar mats and pens
at the ready and sitting large as life at a small table, Davina Darling was holding court.
The woman’s voice sounded high above everyone else’s
as she laughed and giggled, signing mats, slips of paper, and as the two detectives looked on, even signing one guy’s
Y fronts with a large flourish of her pen.
Hutch stood at the back of the line as Starsky walked to the
front. One big black guy took a hold of his arm, holding him back.
‘Hey, there’s a line here buddy. It’s rude
to push in ya know.’
The brunet gave him a pitying look and shook his arm free.
He continued up to the desk and planted his hands on the table top, his face inches from Davina’s face. The woman didn’t
‘In a minute honey. You’ll all get an autograph,
no need to push.’
‘I’d prefer my car keys’ Starsky said smoothly.
From the back of the line Hutch’s voice rose above the hubbub.
‘Ok folks, Nothing more to see here. Let’s break
it up shall we. C’mon, break it up.’
Davina’s face registered surprise. ‘Oh, you found
me’ she said.
‘Yeah, I found ya. What the hell were you thinkin’
of, Your Royal Strangeness? Doesn’t nearly havin’ your head blown off today mean anything to you?’
The woman drew herself up haughtily. ‘I was bored and
you were making very funny noises in that bedroom. You said to entertain myself, so I did. My public adore me, so I thought
I’d give these poor people a chance to meet me. What’s wrong with that?’
‘What’s wrong is that I didn’t know where
you were an’ you could’ve gotten yourself killed.’
She sighed. ‘You’re right, I could. The brakes
on that thing you call a car need some adjustment. I only just missed the little old lady on the street corner. I had to swerve
at the last minute. It’s just lucky that wall was there to stop me going into the nice man’s yard.’
The brunet’s face paled. ‘You’ve crashed
‘Not crashed, no. Don’t be so dramatic. Let’s
just say the front has been remodelled slightly.’
The actress was saved from certain death by the front door
to the bar bursting open. A huge man standing perhaps 6’ 7” stood in the doorway, casting his eye around the crowded
‘Davina?’ he yelled.
The woman’s face fell. ‘Shit!’
Starsky looked over his shoulder and saw Hutch doing the same.
He turned back to the woman. ‘I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess that that’s’ your…..’
‘Husband’ she finished quietly.
‘He um….he looks pissed’ the brunet observed.
‘He has a terrible temper and um….he hates me goin’
The two detectives snorted. ‘T’riffic’ Starsky
said. Now what?’
Hutch and the brunet closed ranks around the table so that
from the door, Mr Darling would be unable to see the woman sitting at the table. They put their heads together.
‘So? Any ideas?’
Hutch shook his head. ‘He looks big.’
‘Wouldn’t really want to fight him.’
Starsky shook his head. ‘And shootin’ him’s
a bit rough. He did live with her for a few years. We gotta give him a break.’
‘So what do ya suggest?’
‘If we can get her out the back way, I can get her into
the car. You drive one way, I’ll go the other. He maybe saw us comin’ in your heap, so with any luck he’ll
follow you an’ not me. It should give me some tome to get her back to the Metro. Maybe a night signing autographs for
the boys in the cells, where I’m gonna put her in protective custody will take the shine off our starlet.’
Hutch pursed his lips.’ Seems like a plan. I can’t
think of anythin’ else. If we make our way out quietly….’
Starsky gave him a withering look. ‘When did you ever
know her to do anythin’ quietly?’
‘Well, we can but try’ Hutch murmured.
Together, they got the woman to her feet and had almost made
it to the back door when Mr Darling caught sight of his wife leaving the building. He gave a bellow like an enraged bull and
started to fight his way through the crowd.
Starsky and Hutch pulled Davina between them out to the cars
at the back. Starsky bundled the woman into his car, moaning softly at the crumpled fender on his way round to the driver’s
side. He got in just as all hell broke loose.
Mr Darling appeared from the back door of the Pits, just as
a car load of paparazzi appeared at the end of the alleyway. As Starsky gunned the engine and set off in a squeal of rubber,
Hutch’s car also sprang to life as he followed behind. At the top of the alley way, the photographers gathered in a
huddle, their cameras flashing as Davina tried to hide. She ducked down into the well of the car as Starsky nudged the cameramen
out of the way with the fender of the car and then set off up the street. Behind him, cameras also flashed at Hutch’s
heap as he turned in the opposite direction and disappeared up the road.
As the brunet fled up the street he breathed a sigh of relief
to see that the huge bulk of Mr Darling was nowhere in sight.
Next morning, Starsky appeared in the squad room to a chorus
of cheers and back slapping. He looked nonplussed as he made his way to his desk and looked around slightly embarrassed as
the rest of the men crowded around the desk.
‘What’s all this about partner?’ he asked
‘You’re a celebrity Starsk.’
‘I am? Why?’
Hutch grinned as he handed the brunet a copy of the morning
paper. Emblazoned on the front page in words inches high, the headline read
COP AND ACTRESS CAUGHT IN SEX ACT NEAR BAY CITY
Beneath the headline there was a picture of Starsky driving
his car away from the Pits, obviously at speed, with Davina’s head in his lap, looking for all the world like she was
giving him a prize BJ. The brunet's face held a startled look. Starsky stared at the headline and photo and a sly grin spread
over his face.
‘You lucky dog Starsky’ Garcia snickered as he
walked away. The sentiment was echoed around the room by various other cops until finally there was just Hutch and his partner
left with the newspaper.
‘So, are ya gonna tell me? Is that photo for real, or
what?’ Hutch asked conspiratorially.
‘What do you think?’ the brunet asked innocently.
‘Nah, you’re right, I didn’t. She ducked
down to hide from the press.’
‘Even with your impressive…..’
Hutch’s eyebrows knitted together. ‘No? C’mon
buddy. Even the great Miss Darling couldn’t fail to be impressed by that lump.’
Slowly Starsky rose and came round to Hutch’s side of
the table. He leaned down low and whispered in the blond’s ear. ‘Who says she wasn’t?’
The blond’s face lit up. ‘Starsk, you didn’t…..with
her? She’s famous.’
‘No, not with her Blondie, and not even with the damned
dog. But remember the girl at the Double Douce? The one with the three stars for a costume?’
‘Well it seemed that the lump impressed her, so she um….
Well she phoned and asked if she could come round, and she brought two of her friends with her.’
‘Two?’ Hutch squeaked. 'You had ... with three
women...all at once?'
‘Oh yeah. All three. It took a while, but finally Little
Davey got tired and went to sleep, but not till Randy and Bernie and Tina had all had time to admire him.’